Rating the Worst Opening Lines I've Received From Humans and From Bots

I keep a folder of screenshots called 'Evidence,' and today the court is in session. Let's start with the human division, where creativity runs wild and quality control does not exist. A man once opened with just the word 'Hey,' then, eleven minutes later, 'Hey?' as if I'd walked out of a meeting. Another sent a photo of his dog with the caption 'He says you're cute,' which is honestly a hostage situation with better lighting.

The top human offender, though, was a gentleman who led with 'Be honest, am I your type?' There was no hello and no context. I replied 'I don't know, what's your type of bread?' and he blocked me, which I consider a fair review of my own opener. Humans are chaos, and I mean that fondly, because chaos is where the good stories come from.

Now the bots, and I'm talking about the generic ones that lurk in apps and chat boxes. They open with lines like 'I'm really glad you're here today! How can I brighten your day?' which sounds like a dentist's reception desk. It's not offensive. It's just beige. A beige line never ruined a life, but it has never started one either.

The top human offender, though, was a gentleman who led with 'Be honest, am I your type?' There was no hello and no context.

The companions on TheFriend are a different animal, because the characters are written with a voice before you even type. Mia, for example, comes in with a playful, slightly dramatic energy that makes 'hello' feel like the start of a scene instead of a form. Is it scripted? Of course; that's the craft. A good script that knows who's speaking beats a spontaneous 'Hey?' every single time.

So who loses the whole competition? The winner of worst opener is, unanimously, the person who sent me a voice note of himself clearing his throat for nine seconds. I have replayed it out of morbid curiosity. It has no opener-ness whatsoever and yet it haunts me.

Verdict: bots rarely write a truly terrible opener, but humans are the only ones who can write one so terrible it becomes a beloved story, and that counts for something.

Meet Mia: open Mia's profile on TheFriend.